Breakfast at Aragorn's
by cosmo-queen
Summary: The morning after his coronation, Aragorn decides to cook breakfast for his friends and loved ones. Has he bitten off more than he can chew?
1. The Idea

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DISCLAIMER: Everything and anything Lord of the Rings related belongs to the biggest genius that ever lived, J.R.R Tolkien. Not me. 

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BREAKFAST AT ARAGORN'S

Prologue - The Idea

Night had fallen, and Gondor was alive with celebration, partying and drunkenness. Aragorn, the newly-crowned King, looked out over his new kingdom from his lavish new bedroom, and smiled. Arwen, the newly-crowned King's new wife, and Queen of Gondor, looked out over the festivities and sighed in a disapproving tone. Her sigh did not go unnoticed by Aragorn, and he attempted to lighten her mood.

"Arwen, my dear, sweet, lovely, beautiful, precious, reincarnation of Luthien..."

"Not this time, Elessar! You know I do not approve of such rowdy behaviour. And if your only comeback is that a piss-up is long overdue for the people of Gondor, then you better think of another excuse," Arwen interrupted, before Aragorn could say anything to defend himself.

"Well, I..." the King began. Damn it! It _had_ been his only excuse, and he had thought it was a pretty justified one too. He hadn't wandered in the wild so many times, forsaking friends and showers, for a lousy coronation after-party. Why then did his wife always have to make him feel so small? Sheesh, he was supposed to be a King.

Before he could berate himself any further, a loud chorus of the Macarena echoed from one of the lower gardens, and Aragorn was horrified to see a drunken Elrond leading the dance. Arwen had to be prevented from catching a glimpse of this disturbing sight at all costs, or no doubt, she'd have a fit, and the partying really would be over. He could only imagine the possible wrath of Arwen Undomiel.

It would be great, considering all those times that Elrond had forbidden her to go and have a drink with "Strider" at the Inn of the Prancing Pony. He did not wish such rage on anyone, even Elrond. Then again, Elrond _had_ constantly been a pain about the whole "my daughter is an immortal elf, insert lecture here, and thus above the likes of a mortal Ranger who can scare off Orcs with his mere smell". Tempted as he was, Aragorn reminded himself that he was a King now. There would be other ways of getting back at his father-in-law. 

Nevertheless, seeing the Lord of Rivendell prancing around in a drunken stupor also reminded Aragorn of a more pressing matter. Closing the curtains hurriedly, and thankfully before Arwen saw her intoxicated father, he turned towards his wife, who was looking at him now with eyebrows raised. "You see, Arwen, I've been thinking, hey, don't look at me like that! Anyway, I think it's about time we did it."

"You do?" Arwen's mood instantly lightened. "Oh, Aragorn, I agree, the time is right. I'm so excited! But I must admit, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a bit nervous."

"I don't blame you, my love, I mean, being the first time and all, but we have nothing to fear," the King reassured his wife. She smiled, finally convinced.

"You're absolutely right. What could possibly go wrong with cooking breakfast for a few friends and loved ones?" 

Aragorn smiled. He could just imagine the look on Elrond's face when the noble Elf realised his precious toast had been spread with butter instead of 99% fat free margarine. Cooking breakfast was definitely going to be fun.

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NEXT UP: The guests are summoned to submit their breakfast menus. Who are the guests? What will they demand? And just who is allergic to bacon? Stay tuned for the next part of _Breakfast at Aragorn's_!

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AUTHOR'S NOTES: This was a random plot bunny that popped into my head, and I thought it would be pretty fun to write. I'm open to suggestions as to what can happen, or for now (I won't get _too_ ahead of myself), menu requests. I decided to make this longer than my usual one-shots, as I think there are many possibilities that can be explored with this idea. We'll see. Please review :)

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	2. The Menu

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BREAKFAST AT ARAGORN'S

The Menu

A horn sounded out from the King's quarters, and immediately, a small group of guards assembled there to take orders from their King, who had now moved out of his bedroom and was standing tall in front of the entrance. A beaming Arwen was at his side.

"I need you to go and find the people on this list," Aragorn said, in a voice that Arwen termed "the one where my husband tries to act important and royal but fails miserably". Sure enough, a barely audible giggle escaped Arwen's lips. Aragorn frowned, aware that his wife was teasing him yet again, but did not let the fact deter them. "Tell them they have been summoned to meet with the King. Make sure they do not tarry. The matter at hand is urgent. That will be all."

Stepping out of earshot of his wife, Aragorn beckoned the head guard back to him. Catching yet another secretive glance from her husband, Arwen sighed and re-entered their bedroom, not before she had caught Aragorn's attention by spluttering violently and mouthing sarcastically "boys".

Turning back to his guard, and maintaining a whisper, just in case Arwen was listening behind the door, Aragorn spoke. "Heran, I have a special duty for you, and ask that you be as discreet as possible about it. Now, it has come to my attention that my father-in-law, the Lord of Rivendell, is, for lack of better words..."

"Drunk?" Heran finished. "Begging your pardon, my Lord, but I know. He asked me to play some absurd drinking game with him. I politely declined."

"Good, good, you did the right thing, Heran. Well, we both know what needs to be done then. He may be a bit hard to handle, but I do not want to make a scene so..." Aragorn trailed off, thinking how the situation could be handled. He smiled. "Lead him to that little pond outside the Council Hall and be creative. Just, pretend to trip, and you know, give him a little push while you're at it. No doubt he'll appreciate the bath."

Heran grinned. "You are sneaky, my Lord. I like it." With a laugh, he left to rejoin the rest of his guard, and fulfil his duty.

Chuckling, Aragorn silently agreed, but insisted to his niggling conscience that he was merely looking out for the safety of his father-in-law. The fact that the pond Heran was to push Elrond into was full of leaves and somewhat unpleasant smelling was merely an added bonus. Finally, he could retort to the high and mighty Elf that he smelled sometimes as well.

Re-entering his quarters, Aragorn found Arwen looking out the window again, her face disapproving once more. As he moved to join her, he was glad to hear that the courts below were rather silent. Elrond and his Macarena entourage had moved elsewhere.

"What was all that about?" Arwen enquired, turning to look questioningly at her husband.

Aragorn knew he could not lie from his wife. She seemed to have the uncanny habit of knowing when someone was deceiving her, so he chose his words as cryptically as possible. "Oh, I merely asked Heran to be cautious with a few of the guests. No doubt some of our friends will be a bit..."

"Drunk? I daresay they will be. I told you we should have summoned everyone _before _the partying started. They probably won't understand what's going on now," Arwen concluded.

At least she hadn't questioned him any further about what he'd been speaking about with Heran. Yet with her last comment, Arwen had resurfaced all of Aragorn's doubts and worries about what his friends would think when he told them that he'd be cooking breakfast for them tomorrow. To allay his fears, he decided to argue with his wife.

"And I thought I told you, Undomiel, that everyone would've laughed in my face if I'd told them of our plans when they were still sober. No, this is the best way." Arwen looked at him, unconvinced. Not surprisingly, since Aragorn hadn't convinced himself either.

"My, my, it _would _be a blow to your ego, wouldn't it now? Forgive me, my love, I did not care to think about the consequences that would befall from such a tragedy." Upon seeing that her husband truly was a bundle of nerves, Arwen smiled lovingly and taking his hand, gave him a comforting kiss. "Come now, let us await our guests in the Dining Hall."

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Half an hour later, all the guests, save Elrond and Gandalf, had finally assembled in the Dining Hall. Legolas and Gimli had been first to arrive. Legolas was sober, but his best friend was not. The Dwarf had greeted Aragorn with a burp, and slurred he was disappointed that Legolas had refused to participate in a drinking game with him and a few Elf-babes who were staying in Gondor. Arwen had sighed, they were probably her friends. Gimli continued, saying he didn't really mind though if Legolas acted like a pansy, (to which Legolas had objected), because for once, women were more interested in him than in Legolas. The Elf had replied that the women were disgusted with him, not impressed by him. Aragorn found this all very amusing, and when Gimli had walked off to amuse some pot-plants, he congratulated his Elf-friend for "resisting temptation".

The two friends could not discuss the matter any further, for at that moment, Faramir and Éowyn had arrived, giggling and whispering like school children. When Aragorn had commented on this fact, they giggled and whispered some more, and excused themselves. Proceeding to a corner, they discovered Gimli singing "It's A Wonderful World" to the curtains. Before the pair could make their way to another corner of the room, Éomer entered, red-faced and out of breath. Faramir and Éowyn burst out laughing, as the King of Rohan turned to glare at them silently. When asked what had happened by Aragorn and Legolas, Éomer replied that he would rather not say. Faramir and Éowyn were now wheezing and red from laughter.

Éomer was spared any further questions, for the four Hobbits had decided to arrive at that moment, alerting everyone to their presence by almost crashing through the door. When it became apparent that Merry and Pippin would not manage to walk the short distance from the door to greet Aragorn, Sam whispered something in their ears, then allowed them to stumble off towards Gimli. Sam, looking embarrassed, supported a stumbling Frodo, and whispered to the King that Frodo was a bit "tipsy", but he himself had "only had one ale, Sir, someone's got to look out for 'em". Aragorn had simply smiled, for he could not understand what Sam was saying now that three off-key voices were singing "Macho, Macho, Man".

Ten minutes later, they were still singing. "Arwen, could you brew some of your hangover draught? This Dining Hall is in danger of turning into a madhouse. And we really need to get the meeting underway," Aragorn whispered to his wife.

"But my father and Gandalf aren't here yet."

Aragorn cringed. "They're probably too busy discussing politics, or something," he replied, in what he hoped was a remotely believable voice.

"You're probably right. Besides, I pretty much know what my father has for breakfast, and Gandalf always says "just tea, thankyou", so I guess we can start the meeting. If all else fails, we can ask them tomorrow morning," Arwen decided, and went off to get the draught from the kitchen in the next room. By the time she had returned and Gimli, Merry and Pippin had somewhat recovered from their drunkenness, Elrond and Gandalf still hadn't arrived. The breakfast menu meeting started anyway.

"Dear friends and loved ones," Arwen began, smiling and with arms wide open. "You are gathered here tonight to celebrate the love and joy that has returned to Middle-Earth. As you all played a major part in bringing about this goodness, the King and I wish to reward you all, as a token of our appreciation and..."

"Arwen, don't get their hopes up," Aragorn interrupted. "From what my dear wife has been saying, you probably all think that I'm buying you a car, or something." Many faces in the crowd fell at the realisation that they were not getting a free car. "No such luck. We know that during the War, no-one had any time to eat anything so Arwen and I are simply going to be cooking you breakfast tomorrow. We've gathered you here so you can put in your breakfast menu requests." 

An awkward silence filled the Dining Hall. Aragorn turned to look at each of his guests, smiling rather forcefully. In turn, each of the guests stared back at him with looks on their faces that implied he couldn't possibly be serious. Arwen looked over at her husband. He was on the verge of tears.

"So, Gimli, Legolas. What would you like to eat for breakfast," Arwen asked, trying to restore her husband's confidence in his idea. However, Gimli and Legolas looked at the Queen of Gondor with blank expressions on their faces.

"Remember, it's all you can eat," Arwen added.

"Well, in that case," Gimli started, "would it be too much to ask for a barbecue?"

"This is a breakfast, Gimli," Arwen replied.

"I thought you said it was an all you can eat breakfast?" Gimli grinned.

"Well, yes, but are you sure a barbecue to start off the day is a healthy choice?" Arwen asked, concerned.

But Gimli was no longer listening. "Yes, steak on toast, some chicken satay sticks, perhaps some lamb chops, yes, some of those. Oh, and would it be too much trouble to grill a pig? I mean, a whole pig." On seeing Arwen's expression and realising that he was not going to get a grilled pig, he added, "Perhaps some nice, crispy bacon then? I might add, you better cook a lot of bacon, I know how much Legolas loves it." Gimli winked at his friend.

Aragorn finally spoke, rather surprised that the Elf had a fetish for bacon. "I thought you didn't like bacon, Legolas?"

"I don't! I hate it!!" Legolas was shaking. "Gimli, I told you never to mention my...my distaste for bacon!"

Pippin was interested now. "Bacon's delicious. Why don't you like it, if you don't mind me asking, Legolas?"

Legolas was about to respond that he did mind Pippin asking, but Gimli interrupted him. "Remember when we arrived at Isengard and you and Master Merry were dining on salted pork? I couldn't believe it when Legolas here told me that he'd never tasted this delicacy. Later that night, since there wasn't any salted pork around, I cooked him some bacon, since it's almost as good as the pork. Let's just say, our friend didn't take to it very well."

"GIMLI! You promised!" Legolas was clearly distressed.

"Oh, so _that's _what started it all!" Aragorn continued, all his anxiety gone. "I thought he'd simply had a bit too much _lembas_ bread. Don't worry Legolas, it seems that Elvish bodies aren't designed to react well with bacon. I mean, it even happened to Arwen once when I cooked her some..."

"ARAGORN!" Arwen's face turned red.

"Sorry, sorry. So then Legolas, what _would _you like to eat?" Aragorn asked, chuckling and eyeing his wife sympathetically.

"Some _lembas _bread will do fine for me, Aragorn," Legolas answered quietly, deeply embarrassed.

"Are you crazy, Legolas?" Frodo cried, a bewildered expression on his face. "Finally, you can eat some _real _food for breakfast, in fact, you can _choose _whatever you want, and here you are, asking for _lembas _bread! _Lembas bread!_ What is wrong with you!"

"I take it you've grown sick and tired of _lembas _bread then?" Aragorn asked, calmly.

"You don't say," Frodo responded, his eyes narrowed and glaring.

"Well, what would _you _like then, Frodo?" Legolas asked, glaring too.

"Since you asked, pancakes, with honey. And some toasted cheese sandwiches. Make sure they don't burn. Um, also some cereal. I think Fruit Loops should suffice. And make sure they have the blue loops in them. It's a new colour, you know. I was so surprised to find it, wasn't I, Sam? Yes, Sam was there. It tastes sort of sugary, you know? Let's see some baked beans would be nice too. With extra onion please. And some spaghetti. You don't have to actually make it, you know, I wouldn't ask _that _much. Just the tinned cans will do. Though if you could make some apple crumble, that would be nice. And some porridge. But not too thick, or I could choke. Oh, and I almost forgot, could you make me some muffins? Chocolate chip ones? I've had a real craving for them lately. Some noodles would be nice too. You know the two minute ones? Yes, make sure they don't go soggy. And use the original flavour, the chicken one tastes sort of fake. And perhaps some pizza rolls. Make sure there's lots of ham and pineapple on them. The quality of pizza rolls has decreased as of late," Frodo finally finished counting of his fingers, looked up and smiled at Aragorn.

"Will there be anything else with that, Frodo?" the King asked, exasperated, and trying to block out Gimli's snores.

"No, that will be all," Frodo replied, "No, wait, a couple of bottles of apple juice too. I don't like orange juice. Too strong, you know."

"Ok, now you, Merry and Pippin, since you're almost falling out of your chairs with excitement."

"We'd just like to commend Frodo on his appetite. Finally, he's becoming healthy! As for us, we want double everything that Frodo's having. Minus the porridge," said Merry.

"And the noodles. Cook us some eggs instead. I request a couple of omelettes," Pippin added.

"I want scrambled. Cook us some mushrooms as a side," added Merry.

"And tomatoes. With a couple of carrots."

"Don't forget the sausages, Pip."

"How could I? I suggest you don't forget about the salted pork. I told you it was particularly good."

"Never. You can't go wrong with some bacon either. Just a little bit."

"And just so we don't look like tubs of lard by the time we return back to the Shire, throw in some cheese. The one with the holes in it. It sort of smells like Pippin's feet when he hasn't had a wash."

"Being healthy, are we now, Merry? Then perhaps I'll have some yoghurt. Vanilla. With honey."

"That's about it," Merry concluded. "I hope we're not asking for _too _much, Aragorn?"

"Of course not. If Gondor runs out of crops, we'll simply come and live with you in the Shire," Aragorn answered. He looked over at Arwen. Her food list was five pages long. "Right, and you Sam. What would you like?"

"Actually, I'm on a bit of a diet. I think I'll just have some sausages and 'taters," Sam replied. The other three Hobbits looked at him in shock. 

"What?" he asked, somewhat annoyed. Frodo, Merry and Pippin put their heads together and started whispering, although the name "Rosie" was always said loud enough to be heard. Sam blushed.

Grateful that Sam had kept his request short, Aragorn felt inclined to prevent him from any further embarrassment. "Now that the Hobbits have ended their very small requests, is there anything extra you would like, Faramir, Éowyn, Éomer?"

"I should like some pancakes with jam, toast with Vegemite, Nutra-Grain cereal and sausages. And some coffee. Make it black. Éowyn, on the other hand, should like some pancakes, but without any topping, well, perhaps a sprinkle of sugar, two pieces of toast, one plain, the other buttered, cereal without milk and a slice of bacon. Without any fat. To drink, she should like tea. Chamomile. With one spoon of sugar," Faramir stated all this, in a very matter-of-fact tone.

Éowyn looked at Faramir incredulously. "How did you know _exactly _what I wanted for breakfast?"

"A just question, dear sister" Éomer added, turning to face his brother-in-law with a suspicious look on his face. "How long have you been watching my sister? How long have you haunted her steps?"

"Oh, Éomer. Stop being so over-protective. I killed the Witch-King, for crying out loud. Besides, I know what you want for breakfast. Bacon and eggs. And don't forget the Rice Bubbles."

Éomer turned to face his sister. "How long have you been watching your brother? How long have you haunted his steps?"

"Oh, brother. But I am right, aren't I?"

Éomer nodded his head. "Indeed you are, Éowyn. Indeed you are." 

"You see, Éomer, it's called being observant," Faramir smiled.

"Alright!" Aragorn clapped his hands. "We've finally received all your requests. And since that took an entire hour to do, I can't be bothered making sure Arwen's written everything down." He stared at the Hobbits as he said this. But he was far from mad. Their enthusiasm, and appetites, had assured Aragorn his breakfast would be a success.

"Right then, I guess you are all dismissed. I trust you will retire to your rooms, instead of returning to the cellars again." Once again, Aragorn eyed the Hobbits as he said this. "You will need an early night, and a rumbling appetite, because bright and early tomorrow morning, you will be participate in the greatest feast Gondor has ever..."

Aragorn did not get a chance to finish his sentence, for at that moment, the door to the Dining Hall broke off its hinges. Arwen screamed, as an Elf and a Wizard raised themselves from the ground, hardly resembling the noble figures of authority that they were meant to represent.

"Are we late?" Elrond hiccoughed.

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NEXT UP: Arwen explodes and everybody else listens in. Shocking revelations ensue. What have Elrond and Gandalf been up to? Why is Legolas mentioned? Will the breakfast even go ahead? Stay tuned for the next part of _Breakfast at Aragorn's_!

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AUTHOR'S NOTES: Wow, I got such a great response for this story! Thankyou all so much to everyone who reviewed, as you've encouraged me to write the first proper chapter pronto! And boy, have I had fun. I've got so many ideas, and let's just say, by the end of the breakfast (which will arrive eventually, I promise!) these characters will have lost all their honour. I think one character in particular already has. I won't name any names of course *coughELRONDcough* Anyway, hope this chapter didn't disappoint, and here are my reviewer thanks. Keep 'em coming :)

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LegyLuva: My first reviewer :) Thanks for the encouragement and hope this chapter came soon enough. The freedom of holidays is sweet! Yes, I don't know what got into me, but it was quite amusing picturing Elrond doing the Macarena. Rest assured, there'll be more crazy singing and dancing to come. Thanks again :)

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Mata: More as requested :) I can see Macarena Elrond is quite popular. He didn't feature much in this chapter, but he will in the next one. Thanks for the review :)

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Starling: Hehe, you spelt hilarious right. Yep, I admit it, I'm a spelling freak. I figured that at some point Aragorn must've become annoyed with Elrond insisting that Arwen "take her love for him over the Sea to Valinor, where it will be evergreen". Or something like that! Thanks for the review :)

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prettiest in pink: Aww, I'm glad you like the idea, it can be hard to think up original, let alone, funny ideas. Hope this chapter was both. Master Elrond will feature more prominently in the next chapter, in a humiliating situation, hehe. Oh yes, I'm not through with him just yet ;) Thanks for the review :)

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Carcilwen Greenleaf: I'm honoured that you put this story on your favourites list :) Hope this chapter didn't disappoint. Oh yes, Elrond's been a naughty Elf. But I'm sure he won't be the only naughty one by the time I'm done with this story. By the way, those quotes on your bio page are hilarious! Thanks for the review :)

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riddermarkmick: Yes, I sort of killed off Gondor's professional cooks. Don't tell anyone ;) We'd better hope that Aragorn can cook then! Thanks for the review :)

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Catmint: Continued, as requested :) I'm very happy that you found this funny. And you'll be happy to know there'll be more of drunken Elrond coming up. Or at least, Elrond having to deal with the consequences of his drunkenness. Thanks for the review :)

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Velossien: I think drunken Elrond should get his own fan club, lol. Or perhaps his own sequel _Piss-Up at Elrond's. _Yes, that could be fun! And I think your question was answered in this chapter. How could I not invite the Hobbits? I'll be having a lot of fun with them ;) And thanks for the menu ideas, I'm pretty sure I included them all somewhere. Thanks for the review :)

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Queen Arwen: Hehe, I don't think Aragorn will ever be rid of snide hygiene remarks. At least, not in this story! Then again, it looked like he washed his hair at the end of ROTK. Thanks for the review :)

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Cerridwen-Evereven: Another fan of drunk Elrond :) He'll be needing all the fans he can get when Arwen explodes at him. Hope this chapter was still funny and interesting. Thanks for the review :)

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Gilraen Ar-Feiniel1: I did try to make Sam's breakfast request gluten-free, but then I remembered his love of potatoes, and that they should be avoided for people with gluten intolerance. Sorry :( Thanks for the suggestion though, and the review :)

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bobby: All comments are appreciated ;) Thanks for the review :)

Once again, thanks everyone :) Until next time, have sweet dreams of a drunken Elrond ;)

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	3. The Explosion

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BREAKFAST AT ARAGORN'S

The Explosion

Aragorn shuddered, as his wife shook with fury beside him. The rest of the Dining Hall screamed, shuddered, covered their eyes with their hands and muttered something about being blinded forever. Aragorn's main concern however, was for his wife. He was pretty sure that, through gritted teeth, Arwen had muttered something along the lines of, "I will kill him". A murderous Arwen was definitely not good news, but he couldn't blame her for reacting in such a way. The sight of Gandalf dressed in nothing but a towel was enough to give one nightmares for life, though the sight of Elrond in a Hawaiian shirt and breezy sarong was downright hilarious. Aragorn snorted.

"Yes, it is pretty funny, isn't it, my love?" Arwen commented. Aragorn mentally kicked himself for forgetting that his wife was still by his side. Wincing, he turned to face the Queen of Gondor, ready to meet her murderous glare, but was surprised to find that Arwen now looked calm and composed. 

"Step inside, Father, Gandalf, you've obviously been swimming, and I wouldn't want you to catch a cold on the eve of the greatest breakfast Gondor has ever seen," Arwen smiled, sweetly. The guests opened their eyes, aware that something was terribly wrong. Where was the catfight everyone had been waiting for? Aragorn too, looked incredulously at his wife, but her piercing eyes were now directly focussed on her father. 

"How about I fetch you some of that hangover draught I brewed? You've obviously been drinking too," she suggested a couple of minutes later, after Elrond had begun swaying.

Without waiting for an answer, Arwen stood up and left for the kitchen, while Elrond and Gandalf looked around the Dining Hall sheepishly. At this, the guests immediately closed their eyes again. Just as Gandalf began singing "The Road Goes Ever On And On", Arwen re-emerged from the kitchen, and strode up to the two drunkards. 

"Drink. You'll feel much better," she said, eyeing her father with a now visible glint in her eye while he and Gandalf drank a cup of the draught she had offered. Gandalf was the first to become aware of his surroundings and turned a very deep shade of red/green/brown. 

"Aragorn, my old friend," the Wizard murmured, as silently as he could. Nevertheless, the whole Dining Hall heard. "You wouldn't happen to have any spare clothes lying around, would you? I seem to have lost my robes."

Suddenly, Pippin's eyes opened excitedly, and he turned to face Gandalf. "By golly, I think I've got it! Discombobulating! Ok, ok, everyone, listen up, here it goes." Pippin cleared his throat, and continued talking in what he hoped was a deeper voice. "Fool of a Wizard! Throw on some decent pants next time and rid us of your unsightly leg hairs. Ha! I told you I'd get you back one day," Pippin said, laughing triumphantly. 

Looking around, he sighed as he realised that nobody had heard him. "Damn, that was the funniest thing I ever said and no-one was around to hear it," Pippin thought to himself. "No, that's not right, that was the funniest thing I ever said and everybody ignored me. Again." 

As Pippin had a mental breakdown, which nobody noticed either, Aragorn and Gandalf continued on with their conversation. 

"I told you Gandalf, I don't have any spare clothes," Aragorn said, shifting uncomfortably in his chair, his face turning a deep shade of red/green/brown as well.

"You are no mere Ranger, Aragorn. You're a King now. Are you telling me that the pants you are wearing at this very moment are the only pants you have?" Gandalf continued.

"Something like that," Aragorn replied, sinking further and further beneath his chair.

"So if I were to magically claim your pants as my own..." Gandalf debated, seriously, though by now, all the guests were becoming fairly tired with this continuation of this fairly simple question. 

"...Then the King would rule Gondor without any pants on. What a tragedy," Éowyn concluded. Aragorn, Faramir and Éomer all turned to stare at her, while Arwen turned to glare at her. 

Faramir quickly added, "Aragorn's pants wouldn't fit you anyway Gandalf. He's a Size 14 while you're a Size 12." Aragorn, Éowyn, Éomer all turned to stare at him, while Arwen turned to glare at him. 

"Are you implying that I'm fat, Lord Faramir?" Aragorn asked, a look of annoyance, rage and hurt spreading across his face.

"No, I'm simply implying that I do too much laundry around here," Faramir grumbled.

Suddenly, Elrond spoke up, the hangover draught finally having worked. "Aragorn!" he said, his voice once again stern and important-sounding. "Become who you were born to be!"

There was a loud silence across the Hall, save Gimli's snoring, which had become increasingly louder. The Dwarf turned his head sleepily, snorted, choked and all was silent. Save the crickets chirping outside.

"Pippin, did you say something?" Gandalf asked, faintly recalling the Hobbit saying something and desperate for something to break the awkward silence. 

"I don't know, did I?" Pippin asked, bitterly. He turned to face Merry, "Merry, do you recall me saying anything by any chance?"

"I don't know, did you?" Merry replied, confused as to why Pippin was nodding his head and winking.

"I don't know, Merry, I asked _you _whether you recall me saying anything."

"I told you, Pip, I don't know. Besides, it was _you _who asked the question in the first place. And why do you keep shaking your head at me?"

"So did you, or didn't you?" Gandalf intervened, knowing that the Hobbits were very capable of continuing this argument for another hour to come. He glanced at the clock on the wall. It was eight-thirty already. He was late for bed _and _he'd missed the Balrog singing "goodnight boys and girls" on TV.

"That's right, I was going to tell you Aragorn, that you need to update your television channels. They're a bit old, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, I know, I was going to..."

"I SAID YES," Pippin yelled.

Gandalf turned to face the Hobbit, who was now standing and red in the face. "Yes what?"

"Yes, I only said something about ten minutes ago!" Pippin cried, sitting down again.

"Oh yes, that's right. Something about me getting a decent pair of pants and covering my chest hairs. Was that it?" he asked the Hobbit, who had an incredulous look on his face at having realised that somebody had been listening to him. Somewhat, anyway. "Oh yes, pants. I was going to ask you about that too, Aragorn. Seems like I'm getting forgetful in my old age." Aragorn sighed and slid further into his chair.

"Pants? Why do you need Aragorn's pants? What happened to your pants?" Elrond asked confused.

"Shh, Elrond. Never speak of my pants again. You don't know who else is listening!" Gandalf warned, sternly.

"Which reminds me..." Arwen started.

'Ohhh, that's right, we fed them to Arwen's pet shark. _Now _I remember," Elrond ignored his daughter, recognition dawning on his face, as Gandalf, wincing, looked over towards a steaming Arwen.

"You did WHAT?" Arwen screamed. 

"Arwen has a pet shark?" Frodo whispered to Sam, gulping, shivering and very afraid.

"Now look what they've done! Gone an' upset you. I think they meant Arwen's pet lark. Yes, that would be it. Don't you worry, Mr Frodo, no Rings, Black Riders, on either horse or winged beast, Blades, Orcs, Trolls, Gollums, Smeagols, Spiders, Volcanoes or Sharks will hurt you while I'm here," Sam whispered back to his friend, with a brave expression on his face.

Frodo stared back at his loyal companion. "Sam, I simply don't like sharks."

"Oh, ok," Sam shrugged, though his face was turning red.

"Frodo and Sam! Hello! The Queen of Gondor is trying to rant here!" Arwen yelled, as both the Hobbits bowed their heads and mumbled apologies. "I know how you feel, Pippin, nobody ever listens to me either." Aragorn frowned. Pippin, on the other hand, looked around, surprised that there was another Pippin in the room. When he realised that Arwen was referring to him, he laughed shakily in reply, and slid into his chair, convinced that the Elf-Queen could read minds. 

As Arwen looked sympathetically at the reddening Pippin, whose thoughts were becoming more confused by the second, Gandalf, realising that Elrond was in deep trouble, whispered, "Leave now. A wrathful daughter is a dangerous person, Elrond."

Elrond laughed. "Why? Why should I fear my own daughter?" Unfortunately for the Lord of Rivendell, Arwen happened to overhear her father say this, and so Gandalf's pleas fell on deaf ears.

"WHY? I'll tell you _why_ you should fear your daughter, Father! Because she is EXTREMELY PISSED OFF with you! That's why!" Arwen raged. The Dining Hall shuddered in response. This was the moment everyone had been waiting for, but due to Gandalf's lack of pants, it had been somewhat delayed.

"Arwen, dearest..." Elrond started.

"OUTSIDE! NOW!" Arwen shrieked, her face an unpleasant shade of puce. 

Elrond obliged reluctantly, shuffling away from the broken door and into the outside hallway uncomfortably. 

"YOU!" Arwen pointed a threatening finger at Gandalf, "INSIDE! AND FIX THE DOOR!" The Wizard obediently obliged, and whispered a "good luck" to Elrond before shuffling out of the Queen's way. Arwen glared at him as she past, then slammed the repaired door violently, so that it broke off its hinges once more. She didn't notice it this time. 

Gandalf quickly scampered to sit beside Aragorn to await the storm that was coming. Tension mounted inside the Dining Hall, as all was silent outside. Then the explosion came.

"YOU GOT DRUNK! Didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?"

"Well, you could say that."

"After I SPECIFICALLY told you NEVER to touch another ale or alcoholic beverage, for that matter, after that...that LAST INCIDENT. Or have you forgotten about the last time. SPEAK!"

"Arwen, my dearest daughter, you're clearly overreacting."

"Don't you dearest daughter me! Overreacting? OVERREACTING! You went SKINNY-DIPPING at Galadriel's ANNIVERSARY party. Remember! Do you have ANY IDEA how EMBARRASSED I felt when the twins came up to me and told me you'd been found SKINNY-DIPPING and as DRUNK as a...as a I DON'T KNOW! I am still emotionally scarred from that incident. Not to mention horrified, shocked and downright disgusted at even the THOUGHT of you partaking in such CHILDISH behaviour."

"Arwen, I told you that wasn't _my _fault! Legolas dared me to do it."

Legolas cringed, as everyone in the Hall turned to look at him with shocked expressions on their faces. Except Gimli, who was still asleep.

"I don't care if Iluvatar HIMSELF dared you to do it! Have you ever been talking with your GRANDMOTHER when she is informed that your FATHER is prancing around NAKED in a RIVER?!"

"Well, no..."

"Explain your actions IMMEDIATELY!"

"I told you, Legolas made me do it."

"Not THOSE actions, TONIGHT'S actions!"

"Well, um, you see Arwen, I was, um, sipping lemonade innocently with Gandalf when a shower of ale fell from the heavens."

"ADA!"  
  
"Ok, ok, Gandalf bet that I couldn't polish off a keg of ale before he could."

Gandalf cringed, as everyone in the Hall turned to look at him with shocked expressions on their faces. Except Gimli, who was _still _asleep.

"So, let me get this straight, if Gandalf told you to go jump off a cliff, would you go jump off a cliff?"

"Of course not! Arwen, I'm not..."

"WRONG ANSWER! Iluvatar, next time Ada decides to get DRUNK, let him jump off a cliff! At least then we'd be rid of your CONSTANT STUPIDITY!"

"You're just angry, Arwen. I can understand that. But you wouldn't really want me to fall off a cliff...would you?"

"Do I look like I'm JOKING?"

"No but...hey, I resent that!"

"And I resent the fact that YOU have to act like an IMBECILE on the eve of the GREATEST BREAKFAST Gondor has ever seen.!"

"Breakfast? No-one ever told me of any breakfast!"

"If you'd BOTHERED to TURN UP when you were summoned, then maybe you would have been ENLIGHTENED with this fact!"

"Summoned? Oh. OH! Now, I...um, yes, am I...am I invited?"

"I don't know, SHOULD you be?"

"No, no, no," Aragorn whispered inside the Dining Hall. Everyone turned to look at him with expressions of puzzlement. "I mean, NO WAY is Arwen going to let him come to the breakfast now," he chuckled nervously. 

"I don't know, you tell me."

"Resorting to Merry and Pippin's level, now are we?"

Everyone in the Hall turned to look at Merry and Pippin with expressions that clearly showed they agreed with Arwen. The two Hobbits glared. And Gimli continued sleeping.

"Well, considering I could have you ARRESTED for CHILD NEGLIGENCE, because not once have you EVER cooked me breakfast, then the answer should be no..." In his mind this time, Aragorn praised his wife. "...but I'm not a MEAN or RUDE person, so if you can give me one GOOD reason why you should be invited, then you CAN come tomorrow."

"I really want to taste that 99% fat free margarine of yours. I've heard it's marvellous."

"AND IT IS! Ok, all is forgiven. You can come." This time in his mind, Aragorn scolded his wife.

"Excellent! In that case, I'll also have some French..."

"HOLD IT! IN THAT CASE? What, in that case? Oh, I'm SORRY, I forgot to mention your PUNISHMENT! Yes, you are being punished, Father. I said, all was FORGIVEN, but you can't act like an idiot and expect to get away with it! I'm sure even YOU understand that's only fair. IN THAT CASE, I relinquish all my cooking duties to you. For ONCE in your immortal life, YOU are going to cook ME breakfast. Here are the menu requests. Yes, your eyes do not deceive you, it IS five pages long. And as for ME, you can cook me EVERYTHING on that list. I've got A LOT of catching up to do."

At the news of this, Merry and Pippin instantly forgave the Queen for insulting them. They could hardly imagine that their appetites were being challenged by an Elf, especially Arwen, and had a newfound sense of respect for her.

"I can't possibly cook this on my own." Aragorn enjoyed the fact that Elrond sounded extremely grieved, and extremely sorry for what he'd done. _Please, tell him he has to cook it all,_ he thought.

"Of course not! I'm not _that _cruel, Father. Aragorn will help you. And remember, YOU are to cook everything for ME, WITHOUT Aragorn's help. I'll KNOW if you don't." Aragorn's face drooped. This couldn't be happening. Pippin, however, was even more convinced that Arwen could read minds.

"Ok, ok, my daughter. Anything for you. Can I go now?"

"NO! I'm not done yet! What REALLY happened to your clothes? You are never EVER to wear a Hawaiian shirt and sarong AGAIN. Understand? Good. OH ERU, IT'S A TRANSPARENT SARONG! WHY? Why must I be TORMENTED?"

"I'll change immediately."

"No, you won't! You'll change when I am out of sight! And you didn't answer my question! What happened to your REAL clothes."

"I _told _you, we fed them to Chubb-Wubb."

"HOW COULD YOU! I'll make sure that next time he eats YOU instead! I can't take this anymore. WHAT did I do to deserve a father like you? Oh, for Eru's sake, go and change your clothes!"

Footsteps were heard swiftly running down the hallway, as a reddened, rasping and wild-looking Arwen appeared back inside the Dining Hall, which was now deathly silent. Except for Gimli, who had started snoring again.

"Aragorn...if...you...need...me...I'll...be...in...our...room."

Aragorn, reluctant to respond lest his wife blow up at him too, squeaked a muffled "okay" and tried to nod sympathetically. The rest of the Dining Hall watched as the Queen of Gondor walked past the table, fists shaking, and through the door that led to the kitchen. No-one dared breathe, as banging and crashing sounded from the room. Finally, Arwen re-emerged, pulling a trolley laden with many buckets of ice-cream.

"Goodnight all. See you at breakfast tomorrow morning," she said, smiling again and in a calm voice.

Some muffled replies of "goodnight" and "see you" sounded across the Dining Hall, but Arwen was already gone. Finally, once the sound of the Queen's trolley could no longer be heard, everyone allowed themselves to exhale. Then Aragorn, having forgotten momentarily he would be cooking with this Elf tomorrow morning, turned to Legolas and said, "You dared Elrond to go skinny-dipping? YOU LEGEND!"

There was a grunt and a huge yawn (to which everyone responded by yawning too), and finally a loud burp. Gimli's somewhat sleepy voice spoke up. "Elrond? Skinny-dipping? Did I miss something?" 

****

NEXT UP: It's the morning of the breakfast and it's time for Elrond and Aragorn to start cooking! Will they bury their hatchet for the sake of their friends? Or will the breakfast be forgotten amidst taunts and insults? And just who is caught singing "The Ketchup Song"? Stay tuned for the next part of _Breakfast at Aragorn's_!

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AUTHOR'S NOTES: Once again, I must start this off with a huge thankyou to all my reviewers and am so thrilled that you are enjoying reading this. You guys really make my day! I hope this instalment was still funny and didn't keep you waiting _too _long ;) Alas, when school starts, I might take even longer. But there's still four glorious days of holidays left. FOUR, I TELL YOU. Argh. Anyway, I'm really enjoying writing this, and this chapter included ideas that weren't even in my original thoughts. Although I omitted one idea, which will come up in later chapters. Let's just say, Pippin berating Gandalf for being a Fool of a Wizard wasn't so far off the mark ;) Now for my proper thankyous :)

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LegyLuva: Yep, you were my first reviewer for the first proper chapter too :) *have a LOTR plushie doll* I'm glad you found it funny, hope this one didn't disappoint. And as you can see, Arwen's got herself out of cooking breakfast. For now anyway. Lol, and I'd love to see that part on the FOTR EE, but I didn't have a DVD player for such a long time, and now that I do have one, and want to watch the EE, I can't seem to find it anywhere! Argh! Thanks for the review :)

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prettiest in pink: Oh, yes, humiliating situations are lots of fun, and I have a nice big one planned for a later chapter. *laughs evilly* Lol, I'm glad you liked the tipsy hobbits, there'll be plenty more adventures for them. Who knows, even Sam may get tipsy ;) Thanks for the review :)

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Carcilwen Greenleaf: Yes, I'm a sucker for quotes, I fear I will soon have to dedicate my entire bio to quotes, lol. Anyway, I figured Frodo would be hungry after such a long time eating _lembas _bread. And then he goes and forgets the taste of strawberries. Poor Frodo! Thanks for the review and for all the faith you have in my story :) 

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Chilamala: Hi, and welcome aboard to the madness of my strange brain :) I'm glad you liked Frodo's order, even though it went on forever. Lol, and a drunken Elrond is pretty funny to imagine, isn't it? Though I'm thinking he's wishing he hadn't got drunk anymore ;) Thanks for the review :)

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Catmint: I'm happy this made you laugh in the middle of uni :) Hope you didn't get into any trouble though ;) I hate the fact that I can't access ff.net at my school, because it's blocked for violence or something. Sheesh (sorry, fave word of the moment!) Then again, perhaps it's better that they don't stumble across this story. Anyway, hope this chapter was funny too. Yes, and I think writing _Piss-Up At Elrond's _would be fun. And evil ;) Thanks for the review, and all the encouragement :)

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Queen Arwen: Lol, I was really happy and proud of that line, glad you liked it too. My brother fails to see the humour in it. Then again, he's not a LOTR fanatic! Hope this chapter provided some laughs too, even though I didn't update straight away. *cringes and hides* Thanks for the review :)

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Kekelina: Yay, another new reviewer :) Welcome to the wacky world of my imagination :) I'm glad you liked that line, I hoped it would fit well, and it seems it did. Hope you found a funny line in this chapter as well. And I know about getting weird looks from the family. In fact, whenever I share a (hopefully) funny idea for this story with my brother, he looks at me as if I'm insane. Eh. Thanks for the review :)

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Cerridwen-Evereven: I'm glad that you found it to be a hilarious chapter. It's what I'm hoping for ;) Hope peeved Arwen and a drunk Elrond turned regretful Elrond facing the consequences of his actions provided a laugh too. Though I also hope that there weren't any tea accidents ;) They can be nasty. Hmm, perhaps there can be a tea accident in the breakfast! See, you've been an inspiration :) Thanks for the review :)

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RAM: Hmm, three votes for Éomer's line? I think we have a winner for the funniest line of the chapter! Glad it made you laugh and thanks for the review :)

Keep 'em coming, folks :) I really appreciate all that you have to say. Besides, you don't want to be haunted by Elrond in his Hawaiian shirt and see-through sarong, and Gandalf in his, erm, towel ;)

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	4. The Morning

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BREAKFAST AT ARAGORN'S

The Morning

Aragorn walked slowly down the hallway to his bedroom, sighing at the realisation that it was now ten o'clock, and Arwen was probably bloated with ice-cream and lying passed out on the floor as a result. So much for a romantic wedding night. 

Finally reaching his room, Aragorn opened the door then, with a sense of satisfaction, slammed it. On finding this activity to be a very soothing way in which to relieve stress and frustration, he repeated the process. Again. And again. And again. Besides, maybe Arwen would wake up.

"Aragorn, what in Middle-Earth are you doing?" Arwen's voice rose above the racket of the door.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" the King of Gondor enquired.

Arwen's face appeared. "Not at all. I've been having a jolly good time watching the inhabitants of Gondor make fools of themselves on our security camera network. See, I _told_ you it was a good idea to have them installed."

Aragorn studied his wife, somewhat surprised at what she had just said. "Well, yes, it is a good idea to have security cameras. For security reasons. Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems to me, Arwen, that you are using them for entertainment purposes. Which is quite different. I never would have thought you'd be one for _spying_, my love." At the thought of his noble wife acting as a spy, Aragorn couldn't help but smirk.

"You'd be surprised. In this instance though, I'm not really_ spying_ on anyone. I'm simply looking out for everyone's wellbeing. We can't have a repeat of a...certain incident," Arwen's strangled voice brought the King back to reality, though she had now returned back to bed. "And don't you be smirking at me, Aragorn."

"Security camera, right?" Aragorn answered, a bit unsettled. He couldn't remember allowing a security camera to be installed in the bedroom. His wife came back into view. She was sitting calmly on their bed, ice-cream nowhere in sight. _She polished that off quick, _Aragorn thought. Arwen's face was positioned in the direction of the security camera network, but Aragorn could see her eyes darting mischievously towards him. 

"No, dear, woman's intuition." Arwen's straight face broke out into a smirk, as she noticed Aragorn's confused expression. "I suggest you go to sleep and recover your strength, Aragorn. You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow."

Aragorn grumbled. Recover his strength. What nerve! He would need more than his full strength to survive cooking breakfast with Elrond. Indeed, he needed a miracle. At least, there was still time to set a plan into motion. He _would _get that miracle. But first, the King needed some sleep. Watching his wife's expression as he joined her on their bed, Aragorn set his alarm clock while pondering something Pippin had told him after the guests had left the Dining Hall. Indeed, it seemed that the young Hobbit had not been lying when he claimed that the Queen of Gondor could read minds. 

***

__

Beep beep, beep beep. Beep beep, beep beep. Aragorn growled. What was that sound? Then it dawned on him. It was his alarm, which meant it must be...

"Midnight. Right on time," Aragorn exclaimed, as he glanced up at the quietly ticking clock. Sitting up in bed, the King peered over at his wife, who had obviously tired of "looking out for everybody's wellbeing" and was now fast asleep. While Aragorn appreciated the peace in his room, it was apparent from the occasional yells and bursts of song that many Gondorians were still partying the night away. For a second, Aragorn felt tempted to go down to the grounds and maybe even partake in some of these activities, but then he remembered the whole point of setting his alarm for the midnight hour in the first place. It was time to put his plan into action. If all went well, it wouldn't matter that he was wasting valuable sleeping time, because he wouldn't be waking up at four in the morning, but rather a more respectable hour.

Aragorn leaned over his sleeping wife and observed her breathing. It was heavy. She was definitely asleep.

It was time. And Faramir was so dead if this "sleep psychology", or whatever he had called it, didn't work.

"Arwen," he whispered, "Earlier in the night, you came to the decision that Elrond, your father, and Aragorn, your husband, would be cooking, together, the biggest breakfast Gondor has ever seen. You have now come to another decision. You are still very, very angry with your father and now wish for him to cook the breakfast all on his own. Your husband's assistance is no longer required, and you will allow him to sleep in until breakfast is ready. Sweet dreams."

With that, Aragorn laid back down on his pillow, content. _Thankyou, Faramir. _

"Aragorn," a voice whispered. Aragorn opened his eyes and sat up in bed. This could not be good. "Arwen, your wife, was not actually asleep at the time you attempted to relinquish your cooking duties, having finished watching the security cameras only a few minutes beforehand. However, she was able to fool you due to her amazing acting abilities. As a punishment for your sneaky behaviour, you can go fetch her some ice-cream and then go back to sleep. On the couch."

Aragorn bolted out of bed, ran to the refrigerator, grabbed a tub of chocolate chip ice-cream, dropped it by Arwen's bedside, snatched a blanket from the cupboard and ran to the couch, all the while cursing in his head and avoiding looking at his wife. His miracle had just blown up in his face. So much for sleeping in.

"You know, Arwen," Aragorn started, settling in to sleep on the cold and uncomfortable couch, "with the amount of ice-cream you've eaten, and are still eating, you won't be able to eat anything for breakfast in the morning."

"If I were you, Aragorn, I'd be less worried about my appetite and more concerned with thinking up creative ways of torturing Faramir."

The King's eyes widened and his retort died in mid-thought. Had he just heard that correctly? How in Middle-Earth did Arwen know about Faramir's "sleep psychology", unsuccessful as it was. Aragorn pulled the blanket up to his ears. It was true then. Arwen Undomiel really _was _a mind-reader.

Unwilling to explore this concept any further, Aragorn turned onto his side, and fell into a fitful sleep.

***

__

CRASH! CRASH! CRASH! Aragorn screamed. What was THAT sound? Opening his eyes, a pair of massive cymbals came blurrily into view. Aragorn rubbed his eyes.

"Good morning, sweetpea. I trust you had a pleasant sleep," Arwen's smiling face came into focus.

"Arwen, I know I pissed you off with that whole sleep psychology stuff, but really, I need all the sleep I can get, remember?" Aragorn answered, grumpily.

Arwen laughed. "I'm afraid that's all the sleep you're going to get. It's four in the morning already, which I believe was the time set down to commence cooking. And if you're to meet the six o'clock deadline, then you better get your ass off to the Kitchen, pronto!"

"But it's still night-time! Look, the stars are twinkling, the moon is..." Aragorn began to protest.

"And guess what, Shakespeare, I'm hungry." Arwen's innocent grin became wider.

"And guess what, I'm not in charge of cooking your breakfast. I'm going back to bed," the King replied, annoyance becoming apparent in his voice as he turned his back to his wife..

The Queen's tone, however, softened, and she began cooing as if her husband was a baby. "Aww, look, who's a grumpy-wumpy then?" Aragorn did not respond, and Arwen's voice became serious again. "You give me no choice, Elessar."

Suddenly, Aragorn found himself on the floor, tangled in between his blankets, but determined that his wife would not win. What else could she do? 

__

CRASH! CRASH! CRASH! 

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. I'M UP, I'M UP!"

"Just making sure," Arwen taunted, hiding the cymbals behind her back as her husband slowly picked himself up from the floor.

"Of course," the King grumbled, finding some clothes to wear. "You were just looking out for my wellbeing, weren't you, Undomiel?"

"Precisely," Arwen replied, disappearing out of sight.

"You know, _sweetpea_, since you're also up, you could help me with the cooking," Aragorn called out in what he hoped sounded like a confident voice. That would be a true miracle.

"Yeah right, Elessar, in your dreams."

"Very funny. So you're just going to go back to bed, and let your husband suffer. And I thought that you loved me," Aragorn put on an injured tone, and finished dressing, just as Arwen reappeared.

"Of course I'm not going to go back to bed and let my husband suffer. What kind of a woman do you take me for?" Arwen watched her husband's face light up with hope, then fall at the sight of what she revealed in her hands. "I'm going to straighten my hair instead. I assure you, in two hours, you'll have the best looking wife in all of Gondor."

And with that, Arwen walked off, leaving a speechless Aragorn with no choice but to go and commence cooking.

***

Walking down the darkened halls of his kingdom, Aragorn was startled to almost trip over a warm lump he had not discerned in the darkness. Bending down to investigate what he had almost fallen over, the smell of alcohol alerted the King to the fact that there were probably many drunken Gondorians lying passed out all over his floors. He couldn't help but chuckle at this fact. At least they weren't still partying. Indeed, Aragorn noted how quiet everything was. Not an uncomfortable quiet, like that experienced in wartime, but a pleasant, reflective quiet. Turning the corner that led to the Dining Hall and the Kitchen, Aragorn realised it was certainly a sound he could get used...

**__**

"ASEREJÈ JA DE JÈ DE JEBE TU DE JEBERE SEIBUINOUVA

MAJAVI AN DE BUGUI AN DE BUIDIDIPI

"ASEREJÈ JA DE JÈ DE JEBE TU DE JEBERE SEIBUINOUVA

MAJAVI AN DE BUGUI AN DE BUIDIDIPI"

On opening the door to the Dining Hall, Aragorn was greeted to an explosion of sound. _So much for the QUIET! _Aragorn sighed. But his exasperation quickly left him as his eyes registered a most bizarre sight. There was Elrond, in pyjamas and an apron (which Aragorn noted with great relief was not transparent), on top of a table, head-banging and singing into a wooden spoon. The King's jaw dropped.

It was only when the smell of burning toast began to waft through the Hall that Aragorn finally recovered from his shock. Elrond, however, noticed neither Aragorn nor the burning toast, but continued to sing loudly, incorrectly and very off-key. _Must...turn...off...stereo_, Aragorn concluded, desperately. 

Elrond still did not notice Aragorn, as he rushed around the room, seeking to end the torment of an Elf trying, and failing, to sing Spanglish. On entering the kitchen, Aragorn discovered an array of cereals, breads, flours, meats, eggs, fruits and juices scattered around the table. It was amongst this mess that Aragorn found the stereo. In his mad rush to turn it off, the King of Gondor slipped on an apple, and went crashing into the section of the table which just so happened to be laden with barrels of flour.

A strange scream escaped Aragorn's lips as he slowly made his way across to the stereo, and turned it off. Sitting down in the middle of the floor, Aragorn pulled his knees to his chest, and began rocking back and forth.

"Alas, that these evil days are mine. How did it come to this?"

Elrond, however, had not heard the commotion inside the kitchen. Instead, he continued singing, **_"playing sexy felling hotter, he's the king..."_**

"King. King," Aragorn repeated. A sudden realisation dawned on him. "Aragorn. King. Gondor. Breakfast. Cooking. With Elrond. Singing. Really Badly. Must Stop. Talk In Proper Sentences."

A sudden eruption shook the Dining Hall.

"ELROND, LORD OF RIVENDELL! COME IN HERE THIS INSTANT AND LOOK AT WHAT YOUR STUPIDITY HAS CAUSED!"

Slowly, the door to the Kitchen opened, but Elrond remained out of sight.

"Show yourself!"

"I foresaw it," Elrond whispered mysteriously, entering the room. "In the gathering dark, I did. I foresaw that this cooking quest will claim your sanity. But it is the risk we all took. And I thought, do I leave Aragorn to his fate? Do I let him stand alone?" The Elf paused.

"Well, obviously," Aragorn grumbled.

"Of course," Elrond agreed, his voice returned to its normal self, "I mean, you don't see the King of Gondor covered in flour every day, now do you?"

"Nor do you see the Lord of Rivendell dancing on tabletops with a wooden spoon. You really need to get yourself a girl, mate," Aragorn retorted.

"Hey! That was uncalled for! Gandalf gave me some music albums last night, said they'd ease the quest at hand..."

Aragorn interrupted, "How very thoughtful of him. Provide Elrond with some music albums so he can handle cooking breakfast, yet torture us with countless renditions of "_The Road Goes Ever On And On" _while journeying to save the world. His love of the Halfling's Leaf really has slowed his mind."

"AND SINCE," Elrond continued, "we are cooking, I thought a song entitled _'The Ketchup Song' _would be quite _fitting_."

"Well, letting your dandruff fly all over the dining tables as a result of your pathetic head-banging is not _fitting_."

"_You're_ one to talk about personal hygiene, King of Gondor. If you hadn't washed your hair for the coronation, we could have cooked Gimli's barbecue on your head!"

The flour on Aragorn's face began to glow. Unable to think of a witty remark, Aragorn grabbed the nearest barrel of flour and threw it in Elrond's direction. The Elf darted aside, grabbed a nearby carton of eggs, and, before Aragorn could move out of the way, emptied the contents onto the King's head. 

"Looks like yesterday's bath was a waste of time," Elrond taunted, as a basket of fruit narrowly missed his face. "Give it up, Elessar. You can't win a food fight with an Elf."

"Maybe not," Aragorn admitted, "But at least I can sing! So there!"

"What's singing got to do with all of this?" Elrond asked, emerging from the shadows.

"Remember _'The Ketchup Song'_?"

"Yes, I remember it. I was singing about ketchup. So?" Elrond asked, slightly confused.

"I got news for you, buddy," Aragorn exclaimed, "'_The Ketchup Song' _ain't about ketchup!"

Still confused, Elrond didn't notice the slices of ham in Aragorn's hand until they were sliding down his nose. 

"Well," Elrond fumed, taking hold of the ham slices and throwing them to the floor in disgust, "I didn't understand your pretty little coronation song yesterday."

This time, it was Aragorn's turn to be confused.

"But it was in Elvish!"

"That's the point!" Elrond replied, unleashing the tomatoes stashed in his apron pocket and watching them wash down Aragorn's floured face.

"I get it! You were insulting my singing! Well, I'll have you know that my 'pretty little coronation song' moved the audience to tears, whereas, your pathetic karaoke attempt would have had orcs being committed to mental asylums!" Aragorn yelled, infuriated

"Well, I'll have you know, Mr Middle-Earth Idol, that my 'pathetic karaoke attempts' protected the borders of Rivendell from orc invasion for many centuries!" Elrond screamed, purple with rage.

"So I was right!" Aragorn's face gleamed with victory.

"I guess you were!" Elrond replied. "I mean..."

"THAT'S GREAT!" The King of Gondor and Lord of Rivendell turned swiftly around to face this new voice, only to find it was...

"Arwen!" Elrond began, "What are you..." 

"...doing here?" Aragorn finished, half choking.

"Well, I don't know, I thought that perhaps some of my BREAKFAST would be READY by now, so off I go to the Kitchen. And what do I find? YOU TWO BUFFOONS THROWING MY UNPREPARED BREAKFAST ON THE FLOOR!"

Aragorn and Elrond looked at each other, and a mutual understanding passed between them. Only minutes before, they had been prepared to murder each other, albeit with food. Now however, they had to put aside their differences and work towards a common goal- the prevention of being murdered by a vengeful Arwen.

"We still have time," Aragorn stated, glancing at Elrond.

Elrond nodded in agreement. "Time enough to counter this mess if we act quickly."

"Time?" Arwen muttered, her voice barely audible, all the while, moving towards an overturned pile of cutlery glinting on the floor. "What time do you think we have?"

Clasping a large butcher's knife, the Queen of Gondor looked menacingly from her father to her husband.

"The hour is later than you think." And with that, Arwen threw the knife at the shutters, which opened to reveal bright sunlight and a mass of people sitting at benches in the courtyard below.

"IT'S 6 A.M AND YOU HAVEN'T STARTED BREAKFAST!!!" 

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NEXT UP: It's breakfast time, and there's no breakfast! How do the guests react when they are alerted to this fact? Can the Hobbits save the day? And just how will a hungry and fuming Arwen get revenge? Stay tuned for the next part of _Breakfast at Aragorn's_!

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Once upon a time, cosmo-queen was inspired to write a story called "Breakfast at Aragorn's". She was so inspired she wrote three chapters in a matter of days. Many people reviewed this story, and cosmo-queen was very happy. Then, cosmo-queen became uninspired due to the return of school, and just could not write this chapter. But she comes back to you now at the turn of the tide- with a new chapter. Which is great, except everyone has probably forgotten about this story. But anyway, cosmo-queen sat down at her computer one day (during the holidays) and started writing. Even the wisest could not tell how it was going to turn out. All cosmo-queen hopes is that this chapter turned out remotely funny. She also hopes to continue with this story on a regular basis, considering she can't really draw out a breakfast forever! Now cosmo-queen will thank all the people who reviewed her story some three months ago...

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LegyLuva: I'm glad you found the chapter funny. And indeed, witnessing Elrond skinny-dipping would be a horrible experience. Especially if he happened to your father. I think you'd have scars even if you weren't related, lol. Be warned that more shameful and disturbing events may occur in the future. I'm not done torturing the characters just yet! Thanks for the review :) 

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AuronLives: Welcome! I'm very glad you found this funny. Yes, pants can be interesting things, can't they? A certain incident which occurred on my Year 11 camp, which involved pants being torn, springs to my mind. But that's another story in itself! Thanks for the review :)

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Catmint: Wow, so much praise! Thankyou very much! The favourite stories list is a high honour indeed! I'm glad that Arwen's hissy fit made you laugh and that it was befitting of an award (the FF.NET Oscars, now there's an idea!), because such a large part of the chapter involved Arwen screaming, and if it had been unfunny, then I would have been screwed, lol. Sorry that Chapter 4 didn't roll on for such a long time, but hopefully, now that it's here, it's still laugh-worthy. Again, thanks for the review and the praise :)

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The Second Geek: Welcome! Funniest thing you've ever read? I can feel my ego growing ;) I'm glad that it made your day though, if I can do that with this story, then it's all worth it. Thanks for the review :)

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EFDGamgee: Welcome! I know I'm doing something right when I'm getting readers rolling around on the floor laughing ;) Thankyou so much for all your kind words and of course, for the review :)

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Cerridwen-Evereven: As long as I evoke at least one laugh, then I'm happy. And yes, I must remember to include a tea incident. Especially since I experienced my own a few weeks ago. Let's just say choking on your tea in front of your classmates and teacher is just a tad bit embarrassing! Thanks for the review :)  


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Queen Arwen: Lol, I think there's a bit of "ranting elf queen" in me too. No wonder my household is so loud! I'm going to assume though that you're not a knife-wielding elf queen ;) Thanks for the review :)

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Carcilwen Greenleaf: Uproarious. I like that word! Yes, Elrond and Gandalf in various states of undress is disturbing. Let's just hope there were no teachers reading that part ;) But what's worse is that there might be more to come. Agh. I'm disgusted with myself now, lol. Well, if that ever does happen, people are going to start wishing they had listened to Pippin. Hope this chapter was still insane. Thanks for the review :) 

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mata: Yay, another reader rolling around on the floor as a result of reading my story :) Yes, Elrond and Gandalf did get themselves into a bit of an embarrassing situation, didn't they? And I don't think that was for the last time either! Thanks for the review :)

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prettiest in pink: Indeed, Aragorn kissed his wedding night goodbye. He's probably starting to wish the breakfast had never been organised in the first place. And yes, even Arwen must've got angry once in a while. You can't live for thousands of years and be continually happy! And don't worry, even though Legolas didn't sing "The Ketchup Song", we can organise some karaoke for him. Thanks for the review :)

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Chilamala: Chubb-Wubb returns your greetings, and says that he might appear in the future. Once he's digested Elrond's pants, lol. As a result of the lack of cooking, Arwen just got a whole lot scarier, didn't she? And yes, these Elves are too quiet. _Piss-Up At Elrond's_ is looking very fun indeed! Thanks for the review :)

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Gilraen Ar-Feiniel1: Now, since there's a bit of trouble getting this breakfast started, and the Hobbits could fix this problem, and Merry and Pippin are Hobbits, then I'm thinking that "extra something" in the breakfast is a real possibility :) But don't tell anyone ;) Thanks for the reviews :)

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Terreis: Aww, thanks so much for putting this story on your favourite stories list, and me on your favourite authors list. I feel very special indeed! And my imagination would like to thank you for your kind compliment. It's a bit crazy at the best of times, but I love it anyway. Yes, Legolas does have a bit of a wild side. I hope to show more of it soon! And four votes it is then for Éomer's line! Thanks for the review :)

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Llcatz: Well, it took me only a month and twelve days after your review to update. Thanks for the reminder :)

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KemonyMicket: I must be doing something right if I get so many LOL after one another. Thanks for the review :)

Since I'm now reinspired, it would be great to hear from all of you guys again. No doubt, it would help keep me inspired. And besides, no-one wants to be chased by a knife-wielding Arwen for not reviewing ;)

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